XIV

GOVERNMENT OF THE ISLAND OF HERTTACH AND OBSERVATIONS ON THE CURIOUS SYSTEM OF HONOURS

We visit the seat of Government of The Island of Herttach. The manner in which the Principal Chamber is organized. The mode of debate within The Ruling Council. Some observation on the curious System of Honours.

THE TRAVELLER. Following break-of-fast the next day, our intended course was designated to be the crowning occasion of my visit to Herttach. So rising early, I found fresh linen and donned clothes reserved for an occasion such as this, wishing as I did to present my person as an example of dignity and good bearing, better to enhance myself, representing as I did, the manners, values, and virtues of my own dear native land.

Memorandum: Bizarre experience whilst dressing. Had need to move the sealed money-bag containing the Coinage of Herttach, obstructing as it did, within the confines of the strong-cupboard, a fine chain of gold I intended wearing that day, so to add a touch of finery to my ensemble. Albert, true to his word during my first hour in The Island of Herttach, having seen to defray all my expenses, thus I had had no need of recourse to its contents. The bag now appeared both lighter and of less bulk than when I first given it. Amused mightily for a moment at mine own stupidity and considered this erroneous impression due to my senses having been rendered less alert because of imbibing the product of The Northern Distilleries the previous day.

We were honoured to be conveyed on that fine morning by an Official Solar Cart, a small rectangular flag flying on the guard-rail, proclaiming out its importance. Driving by way of the Saint Rojam’s Park within whose landscape the character of this venerable individual is symbolized by the grey waters of the placid, and purely ornamental lake. This green and pleasant open space is situated near to the middle of The Capital less than of a quarter league from our eventual destination.

We came to a halt, and stepping down from our splendid carriage I stood at last before the magnificent edifice wherein is housed the ancient seat of government. Power, rule, and influence in all manifest ways of expression haaving been administered from this hallowed spot for half a millennium.

High towers ringed majestic building, parts of which dated varying periods and styles of architecture. Soaring above me, each tower was crowned with flag-poles, banners of archaic and heraldic design, waving gently in the morning breeze, the very largest tower holding aloft the Great Water Clock, known, in popular usage, so I am informed as, Big Wet Nell.

Flying buttresses supported the principal walls, bringing to the eye of the mind an unmistakable resemblance to wish-bones of some gigantic fowl. Windows in a high-classic style held within their tracery a lace-work of leaden strips filled holding fast multi- coloured glass, providing both light and decoration for the interior of the building.

Many were the doors piercing the stonework, all locked and barred except for the most important portal which graced the southern elevation of the building. These double doors, carved and studded with iron nails, rose up more than fifteen metres to the keystone above the heads of those who passed through this majestic entrance, and were, Albert imparted to me, never fully opened except on occasions of state ceremony. A smaller door set within the larger was the means by which we needs must pass on through, and though lesser in size, it was noteworthy that this entrance was watchfully guarded by a soldier attired in a uniform of a type defunct elsewhere by some hundreds of years. His gloved hand gripped a pike, long in handle, intimidating in sharp steel head and blade. This sentinel barring our way, Albert produced and displayed an illuminated warrant, the guard silently recognising the authority of this document, sprang aside allowing us to pass without delay, the notion occurring to me that Albert was no infrequent visitor to this place.

Several hours were taken up viewing the building in its entirety. Examining in detail the terraces and court-yards. Knowing me to be desirous of expanding my store of knowledge, Albert related the histories and origins concerning statues holding court in niches set into the fabric of the building. Ancient Kings and Counsellors. Warriors. Men of the Cloth. Merchant Adventurers. He dated for me the laying of The Clover Lawn, a rectangle of close-cropped greenery much admired and emulated. He discoursed on the origins of the stone and the style of masonry. Indicated later additions to the original structure. Imparted numerical information concerned with the square area occupied, the number of doors, windows, the weight of lead used to sheath the roof. How astonishingly, it had been calculated by a distinguished Professor of Politick from The Ancient University that if all the chiselled stones used in its construction were laid down head to butt, they would encircle with ease the entire frontiers of The Great Continent.

Towards the conclusion of this tour, a light drizzle began to fall and seeing it likely to continue for some time, Albert and I retraced our steps towards The Grand Reception Hall. We stood beneath the vaulted and corbelled ceiling of the cavernous chamber, breathing in the musty air and sensing the history of the place whispering out of the layered mortar that held the blocks of stone in their ordained places. Strange to relate, of persons I could see none, other than an ancient retainer attired in robes the style of which had not been worn elsewhere in the world for at least four hundred years. Walking slowly by across the paved-floor, his traction assisted by the use of a ceremonial staff, he halted for a moment to bow gravely in our direction and then passed onward towards an inner cloister.

Albert took my arm and guided our way through a confusing array of passages, minor halls and reception-chambers. Rich tapestries hung on walls of Long and Short galleries. Suits of armour and chain-mail marked our progress. Busts in marble of persons of great importance rested atop plinths carved from the same material. Oil paintings enclosed within richly gilded frames depicted past events, great moments of decision and debate. In truth much to catch my eye, undisturbed as I was by any verbal distractions emanating from an unusually silent Albert.

Our labyrinthine perambulation came at last to an end at the exterior of a stout oaken door of plain design that bore the legend - STRANGERS - written in gold-leaf. Putting a finger tip to his lips by way of caution, Albert pushed open the door to permit our entrance, whence to view the Great Inner Chamber of Government.

I find it exceedingly difficult to describe, with truthful conviction, the reality of the scene before me. Never before had I witnessed such an assembly. Both sides of The Chamber were filled to overflowing, the sounds of debate rising upwards to assault our small viewing-gallery with a veritable uproar. I beg of you imagine that you are seeing through my eyes and consider for a moment my perplexity when I looked over the rail and saw that the benches below me were occupied not by men of flesh and blood, but sculpted and animated mannequins, each one different in dress and visage, showing a diversity of ages, shaven, bearded, moustached, some wearing optics, others fine sighted. Such was the artistry of their manufacture, for some moments I could hardly distinguish them from real men. These were not the insubstantial cardboard cut-out figures we had seen in The Chamber of Local Council some days before, but multi-dimensional, lifelike. The illusion was further enhanced by the voices bellowing out from what were in truth inanimate mouths. And what a torrent of verbosity. “My considered opinion is.” howled out from one side of the chamber, the words scarcely ended before “Utter balderdash! Not worthy of consideration!” was screamed in unison from the benches opposite. “Stupidity! Resign! Here! Here! Here!” The derivation or intent in use of this last word “Here” I know not. The whole cacophony roaring onwards without respite or hindrance. Here and there an arm would shoot up stiffly, a head shake, whilst other heads displayed sage nods of agreement. My perception was that I had been ushered by some mischievous goblin, not into a Council Chamber of Government, but a Theatre of Toon.

Albert allowed me a full measure of time in which to take my fill of the scene, the debate in progress, concerning legislation proposing “That the fur and hair all domestic pets within The Island of Herttach must in future be dyed deep blue.”

Albert again took my arm and guided me out of the viewing-gallery, he still saying little. We descended down to reach another level of the building, set below and directly under that of The Great Inner Chamber of Government. At the end of a narrow passage we entered a small and cunningly secreted room. Albert bade me follow him in and secured and bolted the door. Both the door and walls were covered with a thick green cloth, there to dampen sound. The floor laid with tread quietening carpets. The sparse furnishings comprised of just two chairs both placed facing a solid wall. Following Albert’s instruction I seated myself on one of the chairs. Directly, Albert also sat down, first leaning forward to slide open a cunningly disguised aperture in the brickwork, revealing a large pane of a particularly unique glass, wherein one might look through one way, but not be seen on the other. Thus he directed my attention through this glazed-niche to the activities progressing beyond it. To allow the passage of sound a small metal grill completed the specific utility of our observing place.

Along one side of the room, in front of a long work-benches, twenty men sat, mouth height, in front of large brass speaking tubes jutted out of the wall. Some men were reading aloud from a text written on papers placed upon a desk-lecterns. Another, a senior official, sitting above them on a high stool appeared to direct and oversee the proceedings in the manner of a conductor directing the ebb and flow of an orchestra, indicating with a short staff when one or more men must speak or another be silent, this man shout, another peal with derisive laughter. Ranged at the opposite side of the room, an equal umber of men were employed pulling and in other ways manipulating levers or tugging at strings that emerged from orifices in the ceiling above their heads. I sat heavily on the seat provided for me mystified as to what was the purpose activity we secretly observed?

ALBERT. “Sir, you might cast your thoughts back to the visit we made to view the Council Chamber of Local Administration. You do recall that day? Of course Sir a fleet mind such as thine renders such an inquiry redundant. To enlighten you and satisfy the many questions you must perchance be intent on asking with regard to what manifests itself beyond this cunning pane,” Pointing a finger to the room on the other side of the partition to our own “Consider my exposition at that time concerning problems Local Government encountered and solved. Heed then my good Sir, the instance of Central Government. In former days it was also prone to unnecessary deviation inimical to ordered management and sound administration. For countless decades matters had remained unimproved and unchanging until a body of like minded men of politick, whose chosen symbol and unifying emblem was the Bluebell, gained and retained power and office uninterrupted for a period of time not matched in more than two centuries. Thus secure from the meddling hands of mischievous opposition, countless changes were legislated towards the general improvement of government and society. At intervals of every ten years, on a date which is fixed on by observing the level of water running beneath the bridge connecting the north and south quarters of The Capital, a ballot is held throughout the Island of Herttach. The ballot counted and the results known, the winning candidates assemble in this building, taking their places within The Great Hall of the Potential Assembly. Calculations are posted as to which faction shalt rule, though this a matter of tradition rather than need, the choice of the electorate remains predictable. An inner caucus is chosen from the ranks of those who by right of mandate and social standing, shall rule, the remainder of all other opinion, wither opposing or agreeing persons, then file off at once to present themselves in The Workshop of Representation. Within, craftsmen fashion in most minute detail a likeness of each elected but none-sitting members. In former days, this indeed was an arduous task, using plaster, glass, woven cloth. In more recent times the task considerably lightened by the use of the Rational Materials such as those you saw utilized within the interior of the inn that stands under the shadow of the church of Saint Norman the Lamenter. By means of employing such techniques, fabrication occupies no more than an hour or so. Members are obliged to provide a complete suit of clothes of their personal choice which are handed over the craftsmen. Their Doppelgänger assembled and measured against them for accuracy, they are then at liberty to depart these governmental precincts until ten years have gone by and the date of the next election is announced.”

THE TRAVELLER. I listened with bemused interest, Albert having answered a few of the many questions I needs ask of him. One such being: In what manner did they the elected but none-sitting members fill their days during this lengthy ten year period?

ALBERT. “Some return and remain ensconced in their residences, subsisting with ease on the ample salary Elected Members are entitled to. Others, perhaps men of no small ambition, follow more active pursuits directing the activities of commercial enterprise. Many are lawyers by training and henceforth return to advocacy without unnecessary and income diminishing delay. Still others are co-opted onto The Controlling Boards of important Counting Houses situated within the financial quarter of The Capital. Those with a keen taste for sporting activity, fish and shoot and chase. Why it is not unknown, in a few instances, for some to repair to the Gentleman’s Clubs, of which there are any number along the street called Pals Mall, never to set a foot outside again until called to take a place on the hustings at the conclusion of the decade. Here at the seat of government, the business of electing concluded, within a matter of a few trifling hours, tranquillity is restored. The craftsmen of The Workshop remain to complete their task with a nicety of detail so fine that were you to encounter man and manikin in close to. Their skills are such that you would scarce separate the representation from the living original. Tis often jested of in Herttach, that if tested in contest which might display the greater facility of thought and brain; the Elected Member or The Manikin,” Here he paused for a moment to allow this quip a space for mirth. Then continued. “Another corps of workmen then convey and seat the completed figures into The Great Inner Chamber. Speaking tubes are connected to each one of them, connecting directly to the brass-horns you observe directly in front of the mouths of men you see here before us. Wires are attached and connected thus to allow the activation of levers and a system of pulleys that animate the limbs, turn necks and nod heads. Ponder if you will on the countless advantages of this method of government. Debate without altercation.”

THE TRAVELLER. Still unsure as to what was the role the servants of government in the next room filled, Albert, who seemed at times to possess an almost uncanny insight of sensing the direction of my thoughts before I could verbalize them, answered directly.

ALBERT “These men work as part of a rota consisting of no fewer than one hundred strong, throughout the period of business wherefore The Chamber must sit each day. Fellows responsible for operating the speaking tubes are skilled in dialect, each with a command of no less than twenty or more the manner of speech most current in all regions of The Island Herttach. The voice thus matching the manikin. Directed by The Overseeing Clerk they read in strict metre, dialogue prepared by scriveners who labour elsewhere in the building, preparing text in accordance with the strictly defined instructions of those whose task it is to shape policy, an Inner Cabinet that comprises of no more than a handful. Instructions are interspersed within the text, delineating the moments when the lever and wire pullers play their part, to raise a questioning arm, to shake a disapproving head, wrinkle a wise brow. What nation could ask for more than this rational arrangement of its affairs?”

THE TRAVELLER. I asked Albert if I might have a pinch from his snuff-box, something I would never usually do, he assenting to my request with no little surprise and alacrity, and afterwards, when my sneezing had ceased, clearing my head somewhat, I informed him though I understood well the gist of what he had imparted to me, I could not understand the totality of reasoning or design, exactly how with these methods matters of state and policy were decided on and promulgated.

ALBERT. Also taking a pinch of snuff but without sneezing “Those whose wont it is to rule know full well in advance of a specific election their power will be retained. The ballot could in all truth be dispensed with and indeed Sir more than once this course of action has been suggested. But Sir, this is not something we would wish to embrace, we undoubtedly are a democratic nation. Following on from these assumptions, the gist of what legislation will be duly implemented during a particular term of office is unchallenged, so precluding they necessity for close examination.”

THE TRAVELLER. Why then necessity for the charade. I did not employ this exact word, but one more diplomatic, knowing by myself to be discussing The Great Inner Chamber of Government. Why the faux debate, The need for manikins, the reading from a preordained texts of speeches and actions?

ALBERT. “The political philosophy of those elected to rule is common knowledge. Our system of ballot ensures any alteration to or undermining is unlikely. The same faction always triumphs when votes are cast in The Chamber, whatever The Bill or Legislation, they being at all times possessors of permanent majority. All know well the reality. Policy and direction in all public and private affairs cannot be subject to change by any persons other than the Inner Cabinet. Opposition therefore is recognized as constituting an exercise in futility. These facts, paramount, for such a great passage of years, indeed eras. Needs must we must fulfil our democratic heritage, the drama of debate in The Great Inner Chamber of Government is a proper demonstration for the citizen and the world at large concerning our democratic credentials. Because all opposing and ruling factions, are aware of the unchanging philosophy of our politick, they readily concur with the underlying logic of our procedures. Tell me Sir, I ask you honestly to reply. Why should men spend years of time and energy engaging in useless debate, knowing full well their words will alter not one jot the pre-ordained path of designated policy?”

THE TRAVELLER. We left our place of concealment. Albert shutting off the viewing-window, those within the control-room showing a collective redness of faces, a particularly fraught juncture in the debate having been reached. Locking the door of the chamber, we departed.

We achieved a steady pace through a different network of minor halls and passages to reach our original point of entrance there to emerge under a blue sky and rejoin the Official Solar Cart. Passing portraits of many persons of high renown, particularly a great number hanging on the walls of a long gallery, Albert inquired had I observed how all without exception were depicted wearing flowing cloaks. I confessed I had, but had not thought it a matter of much significance, assuming this be a mode of dress preferentially adopted by these important personages.

ALBERT. “Not entirely so Sir,” he replied “Better to know why this style of accoutrement is worn, needs must you must to understand the character of our system of High Honours. Many are the grades of elevation from minor endowments to others whose number is strictly delineated. Indeed, such are the rules governing the most exclusive, dating from ancient times.”

THE TRAVELLER. This was a subject of much interest to me, I myself am the proud bearer of The Order of the Five Sickles this bestowed on me by The Duke of Mondella, under whose patronage I serve, in recognition of my endeavours in official travel and sundry literary matters. This was something, in all modesty I did not mention to Albert, although being now aware of his ready access to diverse intelligence, I thought it likely he would already know of it.

ALBERT. “Our honours systems is I venture to suggest unique within the known world. Those who are selected to be honoured, are informed during the second month of each year, their names and bestowed titles, gazetted shortly afterwards, not later than the tenth of that month. This listing is awaited and poured over by countless thousands, most Small and Broadsheets publishing the lists as a matter of custom. There is, I consider, a pleasing dignity and uniformity in the manner in which elevation is bestowed. The ceremony occurs within a Great Hall of State reserved exclusively for this purpose. On the day fixed, those chosen, present themselves, on a given minute, in an ant- room adjacent to the main hall, where on entering they are instructed to bend over a small stool utilized for this ceremony over countless centuries. The Chamberlin Cutter, this his title, steps forward and with practised hand and keen scissors cuts from that portion of garment covering the right buttock, a piece of cloth rectangular in shape and exactly measured by the use of a template. This done, a cloak, provided in advance of these preparations, by and at the expense of those honoured, is thrown over the back of the person thus doctored. Then they proceed in a stately manner along a direct route into the main hall where the second and concluding part of the ritual is observed. Received there by a Royal Personage, the candidate again is requested to bend over, this time on a more elaborate kneeling-stool. The cloak is thrown back by the hand and amid the rapturous acclamation of his peers gathered together in the body of the hall, the portion of exposed buttock is painted with an indelible dye, the application done by the skilled hands of a most senior official of state. The formula of manufacture of the dye is a closely guarded secret known only to the family whose task it has been for countless generations to prepare it, once applied, never able to be erased. The rank bestowed is indicated by the colour. The lowest rank yellow, graduating through other colours to the highest orders, this being a bright scarlet. The attendant readjusts the cloak, the newly elevated person rises, turns, makes a low bow towards people gathered there, forthwith to exit with dignity. Such honouring is much sought after and desired throughout the highest circles of Herttach society. Additional to the singular privilege of acclamation, other more mundane advantages accrue. Many is the time when The Patron of some costly and exclusive dining chamber will protest a lack of seats or tables, only to be seen discovering choice accommodation within his establishment with all speed, when a member of these aforementioned Noble Orders lifts his cloak for a brief instant to reveal by the mark on his right buttock his importance in society.”